The following article was written by my grandfather, Richard Herbig, under the pen-name, Gibreh, which is the reverse of his real name, Herbig, for the Luetzellaender Kirmeszeitung, the official branch of the Carnival or Kirmes Society Bombenfeste on October 9, 1904, published from Thursday until carnival Tuesday in its 17^th year of the Octoberfest Nr. 1. I translated it October 2004, a century later. The article must be read tongue in cheek, for most of it is funny only to those living in that little town at that time and has a double meaning meant for them alone.

LUETZEL-COBLENZ

Cultural History – A humorous chat by Dr. Gibreh

Luetzel-Coblenz is an ancient settlement whose origins must be searched for in dimmest antiquity, which has not, however, been found. The cradle of humanity, owned by a Luetzel antique dealer leads to far-reaching conclusions, not, however, to the conclusion that this fruitful cradle could be of any use where it is. A fragment of an envelope discovered in a crack of a wall of the old Mosel Bridge during its reconstruction could be deciphered only in so far that the following could be made out: To the immigrant Moselaner, name illegible, called Muenchhausen. The stamp – proof that even in those times the postal establishment worked in blessed efficiency – read, as far as could be made out, 99 B, meaning 99 before Christ. This stamp would have been the rarest ever had it not been destroyed by age and the humidity of where it was found that neither color nor drawing could be determined. The whole rather resembles a spider web. It can be viewed for free in the restaurant of “The Olde Post Office.”

At that time the Romans had built a castle opposite our town in Coblenz, which had been connected with Luetzel via the Roman Bridge, the remnants of which were dug out in the Floss Harbor in 1865. Since during the excavation no coins were found and since the old stone Mosel Bridge, built later-on in 1344 by the electoral prince, Balduin, could also be passed without bridge toll, it must be assumed that Coblenz didn’t have 221,000 Marks in excess, whereas Luetzel’s monetary situation made it possible for them to forgo bridge toll. Proof that there were small pickings to be had in Coblenz at that time is the fact that the name “Small” was given to its first hotel, which is now called “White Dove” and means that the time of fried pigeons has arrived.

Of celebrities, already Pipin the Small, Charles the Great, and Ludwig the Pious honored Luetzel with their presence even before they visited Coblenz . So did emperors and counts, the worldly and those of the clergy, all those from the lower Rhine , even to recent times, and until today.

Because of its great prosperity the Luetzel City Council never raised taxes. Commerce and trade flourished. Export went as far as the farthest parts of the world. Luetzel was the supplier of all ship masts and toothpicks of which thousands lie in ever ready supply. The famous harbors were used as war harbors in recent times. Because of absence of war, the two war ships, to the chagrin of pikes and perches, were anchored in our harbor year-in, and year-out, and were thus in a perfect position to be stolen from us. Crate manufacturers sent the products of Rhine wine makers in first rate crates all the way to Australia , and not always can it be said that the stone is better than the shell. A world renowned firm supplies whole parts of the world with paper for love letters, bills and tax documents, including matching envelopes. The entire army can be supplied with ammunition from our stockpile.

All manner of trade blossomed and blossoms. Barbers, however, were formerly non-existent because the people of Luetzel were far too smart to have anyone shave them over the “spoon.” This is now said to have changed, however. (Here keep in mind that grandfather was head of the barber union in Koblenz.)

There were large establishments which on eagles’s wings and with iron industry shipped their fat and live stock and other related products in all the world. The restaurant business was in great shape. There was, above all, the establishment “Zum Landgrafen” whose specialty was a quarter Mosel wine, which could be consumed by one person. The other two known brands were useless (three-man wine). Then there was the restaurant “Edubleztik,” (Reverse Edubleztik and you get Kitzelbude, which means Ticklebooth. Grandfather did the same thing here that he did when he reversed Herbig and made it Gibreh under which name he wrote this funny little article.) all those from the lower Rhine : Czechoslovakian and other long forgotten ones. Today Luetzel even has its own city “Festhalle” without aid from the city. On the contrary, it gives money to the city. Its specialty is cockerels prepared by fine cooks.

Amongst other trade, the garment artists stand out who for many hundreds of years have supplied our youth with clothes, our youth who with great ingenuity used this fair (kirmes), climbing the kirmes tree, often at night, to get what they needed. (I believe they used the Octoberfest atmosphere to help themselves to stuff but were found out, or as the saying went “were smeared with soap”) The tree having been smeared with soap is proof that even 300 years ago soap was made here while in Coblenz soap makers go back merely 100 years of whom a good many have come back. to us. If the demand for soap is a measure of culture then Luetzel’s must be of the highest order. For its bath places and institutions were the only ones. Coblenz, though situated on two rivers, had, and has, none except one for the military which, because of its fast streakers, is feared by, and also, of course, forbidden to civilians.

There is no shortage of educational establishments. A professional school is situated near the laboratory and teaches everything needed in six week courses whereas the ladies of the ladies pension in the Andernachts Street work all year round without taking a vacation. One hefty garrison takes care of them so that it can be said and known: “Jedes Maedchen hat sein Soldaetchen”, or each girl has a soldier.

The population is well off, big fairs and the carnival bring in more money than the people can eat, that’s why there’s good health all round, there’s no drugstore, a peaceful community, no prison, no judge and jury, plain people, no needs and thus no institutions for the needy are needed.

In culinary tastes Luetzel is unsurpassed. World famous are our brawn and sausages which are wrapped only in the finest of wrappings, namely in our Luetzel literary treasures (sausage paper) and are then offered by gracious tender hands. The same goes for the plum cake, specialty of an immigrated Swabian. There is a committee of hard drinking men chosen by the carnival society who all year round must taste all the drinks of all bars or restaurants to make sure that here also outstanding effort is put forward.

As far as the erection of monuments is concerned, Luetzel, by nature modest, has refrained from competing with Berlin and Coblenz . To pay homage to the common good done by deserving men, one has named streets and other things after them. For instance, the Franz vest was named after the violinist Franz, head of our Music Conservatory, the Peter Street after the regenerator of the carnival, Peter L., the Antonius Street after a famous Luetzel painter, the Joseph Street after a well-known Luetzel comedian, the Water Street after a former Wine firm L. & K. (result of the wine tasting committee), the Elizen and Anne Streets in recognition of the eloquence of said female inhabitants, the Brenderway after a big arsonist, (brend = brand, or fire), the Dahmesche Bleiche (bleiche means bleach) because of the great cleanliness of the carnival society. “Bombenfeste” was named after a Luetzel man who lived 300 years before the inventor of the bulletproof vest, the tailor Dowe, and still was bomb- or bullet proof etc.

The people of Luetzel are attached to their own piece of land and leave their money in town. That’s why a railway station is totally superfluous. This model town has kirmes. Come one, come all! Our hospitality is great. For money you get all.